...is full of bugs. Not the creepy crawly kind...they are the kind I create in my code at work. They are due to misconceptions and illogical connections and relationships. The cause of all these bugs is the brain washing I was subjected to by being raised as a Christian. When you are raised Christian you are taught to strive for perfection at all times. See Jesus is "Perfect" and so we are supposed to be just like him, thus we are supposed to be perfect. At the same time, perfection is totally 100% unattainable. They teach you that too. And while you are supposed to strive for perfection at all times, being perfect won't even save you. Only believing in Jesus will really save you. So I spend all my time trying to be prefect knowing all the while that this pursuit will not even save me, only believing in something inane and illogical will do that.
This illogical brain washing has created a brain that can never be at peace. It's always measuring and comparing. Even though there is no longer any compulsion to believe in Jesus, the measuring goes on, day in and day out. Every glance in the mirror, or a store window displays imperfection. Every bite of every chip implies imperfection. Every missed day of yoga, or wrong turn on the highway signals imperfection. Every frown of my partner, every sadness expressed by my child, every wistful glance by my dog, every penny of credit debt, every book purchased but not read, every speck of dust on a shelf, every dirty dish in the sink....every bit of every bit of every day signals imperfection.
Its fucking exhausting.
So FUCK YOU Jesus, and FUCK YOU Mom for raising me with all these bugs in my brain. See now I have to unwind all of it and try to write better code, cleaner code, logical code that MAKES SENSE and makes me HAPPY. And I'm too old for this shit and I'm too old not to have figured this out by now and I'm too young not to try.
2 comments:
I was just having this conversation with someone else recently, he was distraught over hearing his parents' voices coming out of his own mouth.
I don't know we're the only creatures that get in the way of ourselves. But, somehow... I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't change the complicated love we share with others that love us for all our imperfections. I wouldn't change the small fears, the anxiety, anything. It's why they can't sell me on the heaven myth-- it has no appeal. I've always loved the grit between tile, the tarnished coin, people for who they are. You're perfect to me.
I love you beautiful girl.
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