Security

It wraps itself around me like my favorite childhood blanket. The soft fibers fill in all the empty spaces, all the nooks and crannies that are shivering.

I hold it around me, let it envelop me with promises and reassurances and kisses on my forehead.

I pull it over my head, block out the sun, the voices, the answers, the questions.

I hold it tighter there until I no longer have fresh air to breath.

I peek out at the world around me and the blanket dissolves like cotton candy when you touch it with your tongue.

Photo by Erirkr

The Decider

Crossing over is a slow and tenuous process with moments of connection and even longer moments of abysmal thought. The hardest part about crossing over is that nobody tells you when you are truly over. There are no lines with signs separating us by last name ranges, there is no ticket booth or will call. There is a moment that you have to simply recognize, the moment is when you say enough of this silly school girl shit. The moment is when you know exactly how and where to touch yourself to bring a sly smile to your lips. The moment is just the decision. Nobody is standing over your shoulder.

Photo by Damien5

The Main Event

I realized recently that I am the Main Event in this gig.

I make it up, each moment, each minute, I make up my own mind.

I am the protagonist

I am the hero

I am the damsel in distress

I choose who I want you to be.

Photo by .rachh.

What's Hidden

The thing about hiding is, you have to come out eventually. If you don't, you are just a quitter and being a quitter is just not that sexy.

Photo By just.K

The Buzz

Today there was a fly buzzing around my kitchen. I swatted it away a time or two and then realized my annoyance. With no son or man around to beg to kill it for me, I grabbed the fly-swatter and the voices began to buzz around my head. Without hesitation I killed that fly in one SWAT!

This was my birthday present to me!

Photo by sosij

Hide and Seek

You can hide forever,

But when you come out, there they are.

They sit in that soft peachy quiet spot,

The underbelly of your soul.

"I love you anyway..." they whisper.

Photo by iseethemoon

Firefly

"The symbolic meaning of the firefly of course deals with light, illumination and the like. Although an important focus, the issue of light is not the high feature behind the symbolic meaning of the firefly. Rather, it is the messages this wonderous creature gives us while her light is off may be most profound to our growth."

Photo by Shannooners

Peace

When I grow up I want to live in a house that has no doors, it will have only curtains.

Photo by Sator Arepo

Cold War

You ask my what's on my mind

But words lately escape me

Running always feels so right

Desperate to avoid the fight

Oh...confusion builds

Oh...and time goes by

Wondering if there is more

Is tearing at my very core

This feeling grows each passing day

And yet, there's nothing left to say

Oh...frustration builds

Oh...and time goes by

Oh...don't ask me why

Oh...and please don't try

Stillness comes, it's quiet now

Truth and distance all around

Remnants of a sacred place

Now what to do with all this space?

Oh...desperation builds

Oh...and time goes by

Oh...please tell me why!

Oh..why can't I try?

Photo by call me mark.

Closing Act

The curtain is falling

It's thick and red

As it descends I put my arms over my head in a noble attempt to postpone the inevitable.

I sadly realize I cannot be everywhere at once, my arms do not stretch that far,

I soon expend all my strength running from stage left,

To stage right

Slowly the applause are extinguished by the barrier,

and finally the lights go out.

 Photo by stargirlphotography

Fitter Happier by Radiohead

more productive
comfortable
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
no paranoia
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favours for favours
fond but not in love
charity standing orders
on sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
now self-employed
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that's driven into
frozen winter shit (the ability to laugh at weakness)
calm
fitter, healthier and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics"

Photo by holly.skye

Safe in the Chapel by Malgrin

It's the only retreat... my only retreat...ultimately... when the world has turned sideways and spun wild. If nothing makes sense any longer then give up on sense. Might as well live in the madhouse where you won't expect anything different. Rules need not apply.

If you can't trust your perceptions... if the things that you thought were real were no more solid than a breath... then why believe anything at all? Why trust anything at all? Why not disbelieve everything ~ lie back in the ether and flip the bird in Her general direction?

I wonder what She wants with me anyway. I guess I'll be finding out. She's led me here...

She's informed me in no uncertain terms that I had it all wrong...

It's odd... how fragile it all is... how dreams and music can evaporate in a moment... in a string of moments... were they connected? Were we really connected?

I thought we were.

I thought there were these actions and words... and feelings... and intentions... and every single one of them said "I love you." But, I must have been wrong...

My hovercraft... is full... of eels.

What an illusion.

I thought I'd learned to express things... but I didn't. What I did was learn to release everyone from the responsibility of the things I never shared.

It turns out... it's not enough.

It was never their responsibility anyway... and sharing is a gift.

You just can't tuck bits of yourself away and think that no one will notice. Of course they'll notice... you become so diminished that they look around and wonder where you've gone.

Withholding.

I've lost so much.

And yet... at the same time... I don't trust anything... not a single perception or concept... what did I lose? Was it ever mine? Am I even here? Or anywhere?

The only sane choice is madness. 

Photo by danielle suzanne

The Tipping Point

"The culmination of a build-up of small changes that effects a big change."

Photo by jennyBunz

Breath Me by Sia

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me"

Photo by Lafayette

Crushed

Weight on the chest

Wet cheeks, the more you dry them, the more they drip

Despair

A hope vacuum connected to your heart, turned on high, 

It never gets clogged, it just keeps sucking everything good out of you

Everything is broken, 

Like a fragile tea cup you bought at an antique store, 

The pieces are so small you can't possibly glue them all back together again, 

They lay on the floor where you are sure to step on them tomorrow

Photo by Lafayette

In the Grip

When I was around 8 years old we would spend a couple days a year visiting our cousins and other extended family on my Mother's side. I always looked forward to it because I really liked my cousin J. Not only was he adorable, but he really liked me too. I so rarely felt included in anything, whether it be the neighborhood clicks or the playground clicks or even the performing group clicks. But this was my click, it was my family, that had to take me and J even liked me for me. I liked to think that if I went to school with him and he wasn't related to me by blood he would still want to spend time with me. He told me I was pretty too, nobody had ever told me that before. We used to pretend we were "Donny and Marie" and dance around the living room holding our mother's hair brushes as microphones. He made me feel special and interesting. On one visit we were running around outside. My Aunt lived on a large piece of property with lots of trees and hills. I managed to run too close to the edge of one hill and I slipped. I grabbed on to the grass with all my strength to keep myself from tumbling down the rather steep cliff. I hung there for quite a while, waiting for someone to find me. It felt like hours but it was probably only minutes until they hoisted me back up. I still remember the sensation of hanging as if it were yesterday. 

Sometimes I think that maybe I am still hanging there, clinging to earth with all my strength. Maybe the life I have lived since then has just been a day dream I concocted to get through the fear. Maybe when they come rescue me everything will finally make sense to me, maybe I will get another chance to grow up. Maybe all I have to do is let go and I will be 8 again.

Photo by amalia chimera

The Call

Someone is calling me, the phone is ringing and ringing but the more I look, I can't find that damn phone. Someone whispers "it's time, I hope you are ready!" and I panic...Shit! Did I fall asleep in class again? I have no idea what they are talking about, but I know it's important.

It is "Save the World!" important.

But the phone just keeps ringing and I just keep searching.

You know that feeling when you are on the edge of an orgasm? You are panting and sweating but you can't stop, you just keep going because you know what's coming is...well...orgasmic! You even get to the point of pain but you dare not stop!

It's coming, the Big Thing! is coming my way, all the signs have pointed to it, all the clues have been gathered.

In the meantime I wait, inside out, stretching to see over the crowd of indifference, if only I were a couple inches taller my wait would be over.

But the wait is never over.

Fuck.

What was it someone said once?  Oh right...

"It's all about the journey."

Fuck the journey, I want the payoff.  

Like now please.

Photo by Jelleprins

The Chase

I had a dream it was the end of the world. I was alone in NYC, going to visit someone close to me. I lost my way, it was dark, I found a door and climbed the stairs. Strangers invited me in and treated me like one of them. I felt apart though, alone, lost. 

The beasts were lose, eating up the town. They couldn't see you if you did not move. We tried to escape but they found us. We stood still, held our breath. They passed us by. I think they knew I was one of them.

More running and hiding and my pants and shoes went missing. 

I was exposed and alone. 

I woke myself up several times but each time I closed my eyes again the chase was on. 

By the early hours of the morning I knew I would survive.

Photo by Philip Maynard

In Her Shadow

In her shadow she sees herself as in a negative

Darkly haunted, burning from the inside out

Covered in itches she cannot scratch

She crawls through the layers of earth, trapping her below

She thinks that with each clutch she will break free

But the earth holds her tighter, like a possessive lover

Tempting her to stay buried

Photo by pinkbum

Left Out

We were at the farm in Missouri. All the cousins had gathered in a frenzy, overjoyed at being together again. We only had 1 month a year with them and every moment was precious. My sister and I stayed with our Dad at our Grandmother's farm while our other visiting cousin and her family stayed with the Missouri cousins up the road.  This meant that there were no cousins actually staying where we were, it was just my sister and I. 

This did not sit well with me and just as they were getting ready to leave for the night I threw a total knock-down drag out tantrum. The tears would not stop, my heart was broken.

My rather unemotional extended family were not quite sure what to make of me. I assumed they blamed it on my Dad for leaving home and raising me in that crazy faraway place called Los Angeles.

I knew I was embarrassing my Dad, humiliating myself, but I could just not accept it.  I could not accept being left out.

Photo by rosiehardy

Sabotage

Self expression is like a noose around the neck.

If you are jacking off it's orgasmic.

If you are looking down at your feet you're dead.

Photo by brookeshadden

The War in my Head

There was a war in my head one night.

Long past the days of childhood fears.

It started with a train on the tracks. 

Planes overhead.

Helicopters.

Gun fire.

It sits in my brain like a memory.

Photo by rosiehardy

In a Church

I got my first feel-up in 7th grade. There was a boy at my church who I'd been crushing on for awhile, along with the 2 or 3 boys I was crushing on at school. I started having crushes when I was about 5 and until 4 years ago, I have always had them. This boy was what I would call an "80% Crush", which means I really liked him and wanted to be near him 80% of the time. The other times he was either a dork or a jerk. He didn't talk to me much so I was very quiet around him. This was my "MO" around crushes, steal a glance here and there and never speak to them. 

One day I went on a day trip to Magic Mountain with the entire youth group. I steered clear of him most of the day but by the end of the day we had managed to be "lost" together. I don't t think I planned it, it just sort of worked out that way. We walked around and played the games and then rode home on the bus sitting next to each other.

When we got back to church he grabbed me by the hand and took me up the dark stairway to one of the classrooms. He didn't turn the light on. He sat down and pulled me onto his lap and stuck his hand roughly up my shirt and felt around. I didn't feel much, I was just sort of freaked out. 

'Wasn't he supposed to kiss me when he did this?' I thought.

'Is it wrong to have your boobs felt up before you first real kiss?' I also thought.

At one point he said, 

"You're big" (that part always makes me laugh)

I wasn't sure how to feel about that...

Before I knew it we left the room and went home with our respective rides. We didn't really talk to each other again. I avoided him completely at church and was very grateful he didn't go to my school.

I tried to forget about the incident as quickly as possible.

About a week later two of my school crushes walked up to me at nutrition break. I was very nervous because I never spoke to those boys, I just hung out at the same table as they did. One of them had been my #1 crush since 4th grade so my stomach started flipping when spoke to me. 

He was my only "100% crush"! 

He said, "Hey, we are in the same football league as that guy you go to church with. We heard all about you."

He smiled, "In a church???"

They walked away laughing.

My cheeks flushed and my stomachache intensified. 

'Was this a good thing or a bad thing when boys knew that sort of thing about you in 7th grade?'

Photo by danny.hammontree

Goats Milk

Mom was taking us to the LA County Fair with her new boyfriend. I had a hard time thinking of him as her boyfriend. He was 18 years her senior and someone we used to have game night with, at his house, with his wife.

It was not very clear to me how grown up relationships worked. Mom had only had one boyfriend since the divorce and he had 5 daughters close to my age so that seemed appropriate.  Her new boyfriend had grown up kids and grey hair. When he was appearing at our house every morning to have coffee with my Mom I assumed they were having bible study or something. When it became apparent that they were much more then study buddies I had no idea how to feel so I just numbed it out.

This outing to the fair was the first joint outing with us and the new guy. He had always been pretty fun to be around and he was pretty funny so I did not completely dread the trip but I was definitely in the "UNCOMFORTABLE" zone. The first part of the day was fun, we walked around and looked at the exhibits and ate cotton candy. Then it was time for lunch and we all ordered and sat outside to eat. At that point both my sister and I had not spent much of our allowance. We had saved allowance for quite some time so that we could have money to spend that day. After we were done eating he stood up and said,

"I bet you that if I drink this pint of goat's milk I will be able to jump higher then this building."

We started at him. I asked how much. He said all our money if we lost and he would double it if we won. The dollar signs formed in my eyes and I did not hesitate. I figured it was some sort of joke and that he was just finding a cute way to give us some extra cash, you know, try to impress us. I gave my money to my Mom to hold but my sister paused. My Mom said,

"Now think about what he is saying..."

It just didn't register for either of us.

Reluctantly my sister handed over her small wad of cash.

The next part happened so fast I thought I missed it. He drank the goats milk in one swig and took a very small hop then grabbed the money out of my Mom's hand. We stood there in silence. In that moment I knew a few things about the new guy.

1. He was an asshole

2. He knew it

3. He was going to marry my mother

After a pause my mom said,

"Girls, a building can't jump."

We looked at each other, disbelief crossing our faces, disappointment, anger. My sister took off, just walked away. She was gone so fast I didn't see her go or I like to think I would have followed her. From that moment on the day was very grey. We searched all over and then they gave up. I did not give up, my eyes were darting so quickly around  the crowd it made my head spin. My stomach hurt, I was fighting back tears. Where had she gone? Why don't they report it somewhere? Would life ever be the same again?

Eventually we found her. We were quiet in the car on the way home.

Photo by theCarol