Breath Me by Sia

"Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch, I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah, I think I might break

Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me, I am small and needy

Warm me up and breathe me"

Photo by Lafayette

Crushed

Weight on the chest

Wet cheeks, the more you dry them, the more they drip

Despair

A hope vacuum connected to your heart, turned on high, 

It never gets clogged, it just keeps sucking everything good out of you

Everything is broken, 

Like a fragile tea cup you bought at an antique store, 

The pieces are so small you can't possibly glue them all back together again, 

They lay on the floor where you are sure to step on them tomorrow

Photo by Lafayette

In the Grip

When I was around 8 years old we would spend a couple days a year visiting our cousins and other extended family on my Mother's side. I always looked forward to it because I really liked my cousin J. Not only was he adorable, but he really liked me too. I so rarely felt included in anything, whether it be the neighborhood clicks or the playground clicks or even the performing group clicks. But this was my click, it was my family, that had to take me and J even liked me for me. I liked to think that if I went to school with him and he wasn't related to me by blood he would still want to spend time with me. He told me I was pretty too, nobody had ever told me that before. We used to pretend we were "Donny and Marie" and dance around the living room holding our mother's hair brushes as microphones. He made me feel special and interesting. On one visit we were running around outside. My Aunt lived on a large piece of property with lots of trees and hills. I managed to run too close to the edge of one hill and I slipped. I grabbed on to the grass with all my strength to keep myself from tumbling down the rather steep cliff. I hung there for quite a while, waiting for someone to find me. It felt like hours but it was probably only minutes until they hoisted me back up. I still remember the sensation of hanging as if it were yesterday. 

Sometimes I think that maybe I am still hanging there, clinging to earth with all my strength. Maybe the life I have lived since then has just been a day dream I concocted to get through the fear. Maybe when they come rescue me everything will finally make sense to me, maybe I will get another chance to grow up. Maybe all I have to do is let go and I will be 8 again.

Photo by amalia chimera

The Call

Someone is calling me, the phone is ringing and ringing but the more I look, I can't find that damn phone. Someone whispers "it's time, I hope you are ready!" and I panic...Shit! Did I fall asleep in class again? I have no idea what they are talking about, but I know it's important.

It is "Save the World!" important.

But the phone just keeps ringing and I just keep searching.

You know that feeling when you are on the edge of an orgasm? You are panting and sweating but you can't stop, you just keep going because you know what's coming is...well...orgasmic! You even get to the point of pain but you dare not stop!

It's coming, the Big Thing! is coming my way, all the signs have pointed to it, all the clues have been gathered.

In the meantime I wait, inside out, stretching to see over the crowd of indifference, if only I were a couple inches taller my wait would be over.

But the wait is never over.

Fuck.

What was it someone said once?  Oh right...

"It's all about the journey."

Fuck the journey, I want the payoff.  

Like now please.

Photo by Jelleprins

The Chase

I had a dream it was the end of the world. I was alone in NYC, going to visit someone close to me. I lost my way, it was dark, I found a door and climbed the stairs. Strangers invited me in and treated me like one of them. I felt apart though, alone, lost. 

The beasts were lose, eating up the town. They couldn't see you if you did not move. We tried to escape but they found us. We stood still, held our breath. They passed us by. I think they knew I was one of them.

More running and hiding and my pants and shoes went missing. 

I was exposed and alone. 

I woke myself up several times but each time I closed my eyes again the chase was on. 

By the early hours of the morning I knew I would survive.

Photo by Philip Maynard

In Her Shadow

In her shadow she sees herself as in a negative

Darkly haunted, burning from the inside out

Covered in itches she cannot scratch

She crawls through the layers of earth, trapping her below

She thinks that with each clutch she will break free

But the earth holds her tighter, like a possessive lover

Tempting her to stay buried

Photo by pinkbum

Left Out

We were at the farm in Missouri. All the cousins had gathered in a frenzy, overjoyed at being together again. We only had 1 month a year with them and every moment was precious. My sister and I stayed with our Dad at our Grandmother's farm while our other visiting cousin and her family stayed with the Missouri cousins up the road.  This meant that there were no cousins actually staying where we were, it was just my sister and I. 

This did not sit well with me and just as they were getting ready to leave for the night I threw a total knock-down drag out tantrum. The tears would not stop, my heart was broken.

My rather unemotional extended family were not quite sure what to make of me. I assumed they blamed it on my Dad for leaving home and raising me in that crazy faraway place called Los Angeles.

I knew I was embarrassing my Dad, humiliating myself, but I could just not accept it.  I could not accept being left out.

Photo by rosiehardy